Lost and Found
Mothers Always Find What’s Lost… But Who Finds Her?
I wholeheartedly believe that if something is lost, you tell a mother and she will find it.
The missing shoe.
The favorite stuffed animal.
The homework folder.
The thing everyone else swore disappeared.
Mothers always find what’s lost.
But what happens when the mother is the one who feels lost?
Who finds her?
That’s the question I’ve been sitting with for years now, because somewhere inside motherhood, I lost myself.
And somehow, I found myself there too.
Becoming a Mother During Uncertain Times
I had my first child in July 2019.
Then the world changed.
COVID hit in early 2020, and quarantine soon followed. Like so many other first-time moms, I was exhausted, sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and just trying to survive the adjustment into motherhood.
But underneath all of that, there was something heavier sitting quietly inside me.
I was sad.
Down.
Disconnected.
Still, I wrapped it all up with a nice little bow and called it “first-time mother exhaustion.”
But it wasn’t just exhaustion.
It was postpartum depression.
And eventually, it erupted like a volcano that had been waiting centuries to explode.
When Depression Finally Couldn’t Be Ignored
Quarantine forced me to slow down long enough to see that things were not fine.
Depression has a way of setting up shop without permission and overstaying its welcome.
The parts of me I had boxed away suddenly demanded attention, and I could no longer pretend I was just tired.
So I went back to therapy.
And I also made a decision I once swore I would never make: I tried medication.
Honestly, it saved me.
Learning to Accept Help
Once I started medication and therapy together, it felt like tiny pieces of light started finding their way back into me.
I could breathe again.
Think clearly again.
Feel small moments of joy again.
I started reconnecting with the things that made me feel like myself.
Then October 2022 happened.
I found out I was pregnant with my second child and stopped taking medication immediately — the same day I saw the positive pregnancy test.
And suddenly, I was back in another season of my body belonging to someone else for nine more months.
Starting Over Again
During that pregnancy, I told myself I was okay.
I think part of me believed I had to be okay because I no longer had the medication that had helped stabilize me before.
So I powered through.
But after having my second baby, I started feeling familiar feelings creeping back in. The heaviness. The sadness. The mental fog. That quiet sense that things were slipping again.
This time, I recognized it faster.
I contacted my doctor and immediately went back on medication while continuing therapy.
Ironically, even while doing all the “right” things for myself, I became the most depressed I had ever been.
Healing Is Not Linear
That part was hard to accept.
Sometimes you can do everything right and still struggle.
Sometimes healing doesn’t happen in clean, beautiful steps.
Sometimes the right tools don’t instantly fix things — they simply help keep your head above water long enough for you to survive it.
That’s what medication and therapy did for me at first.
They kept me afloat.
And eventually, little by little, I stopped treading water and started swimming again.
The dark cloud took a long time to lift, but eventually it did.
The Tools That Help Me Come Back to Myself
Now, I understand that healing and coming home to yourself is never linear.
There will always be zig zags.
Setbacks.
Redirects.
Moments where you have to pause and regroup.
Some days my tools feel like they’re working beautifully.
Other days, it feels like I’m just going through the motions because the tools are there.
And honestly? Both kinds of days are part of healing, too.
I’m constantly reassessing what works for me.
Maybe that means adjusting medication.
Changing dosages.
Going to therapy more often.
Trying new coping strategies.
Letting go of tools that no longer fit who I am.
We outgrow things — even the things that once saved us.
That’s okay.
Just make sure you replace what you remove.
Mothers Deserve Tools Too
I think about that opening question a lot now.
Who finds the mother when she’s the one who feels lost?
Maybe the answer is this:
Give a mother the right tools, enough support, and the space to be honest about her struggles… and eventually, she will find herself, too.
Even after motherhood.
Even after depression.
Even after feeling completely disconnected from who she used to be.
She will find her way back home.
Maybe not to the old version of herself.
But to a new version worth knowing.
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