39 Years Later, My Brain Finally Makes Sense
For most of my life, I thought I was just too emotional, too forgetful, too overwhelmed, too sensitive, too loud, too distracted, too impulsive, and too all over the place.
Turns out? I had ADHD all along. And at 39 years old, my entire life suddenly started making sense.
Looking Back, The Signs Were Everywhere
The unfinished projects.The racing thoughts.The overstimulation.The procrastination followed by panic productivity.The constant feeling that my brain had 42 tabs open at once.
The way I could hyperfocus on one thing for HOURS but struggle to answer a text message.
The way I could manage chaos for everyone else but feel completely overwhelmed by simple tasks for myself.
The emotional exhaustion from trying to hold it all together all the time.
Looking back now, it feels so obvious.
But for women — especially high-functioning women — ADHD doesn’t always look the way people think it does.
I Didn’t Look Like The “Typical” ADHD Kid
I wasn’t bouncing off classroom walls.
I was overthinking everything, masking, people pleasing, relying on anxiety to stay productive, and trying to be perfect so nobody noticed how hard everything felt
I became really good at compensating. Until, I wasn't.
Somewhere Along The Way, I Started Believing I Was The Problem
I told myself “You just need to get organized.” “You need to try harder.” “Why can’t you keep up?” “Why is everything so overwhelming for you?” “Other people handle this fine.”
Meanwhile my brain was working overtime every second of every day. And honestly? I’m realizing now how much energy I spent trying to appear okay.
Funny enough, before becoming a mom, I was really great at masking all of the ADHD symptoms. I never had to write anything down because I remembered all of the things, really good at being on time to places, etc.
Since becoming a mom, obviously, my responsibilities have changed. No surprise that over the last few years, I became to unravel because masking was becoming too much. So many warning signs (I have always said motherhood is a mirror).
I would forget something important and spiral, become overstimulated with my kids, impulsive spending habits/mile long Amazon carts, experience hyperfocus moments, got hit with time blindness, would constantly interrupt conversations because I feared that I would forget my thought, extreme emotional overwhelm, and suddenly needed noise reduction & silence to function.
The Wildest Part? So Many Women Don’t Know They Have ADHD
Especially women who are intelligent, successful, moms, caretakers, high achievers, and “the responsible one”
Because when you’re high-functioning, people see the outcome. They don’t see the exhaustion it took to get there.
The Diagnosis Didn’t Make Me Broken
It actually made me feel… relieved. Because suddenly I realized that I was never lazy, I was never failing, and I wasn’t “too much.”
My brain just works differently. And now instead of constantly fighting myself, I’m learning how to support myself.
Things I’m Learning Since My Diagnosis
External systems are life-changing, overstimulation is REAL, movement helps my brain, rest matters, transitions are hard for me, perfectionism was masking overwhelm, structure helps me… even when I resist it, and dopamine-seeking behaviors suddenly make a lot more sense.
Current ADHD Tools/Systems That Work For Me
Paper planner & (multiple) Google Calendars, the Structured app, Notion for podcast tracking, having a brain dump notebook, walking/Reformer Pilates, wearing a weighted vest on walks, noise reduction moments, and visual reminders
There’s Also Grief
I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t. Because part of me wonders - What would life have looked like if I knew sooner?
How much easier could I have been on myself? How many years did I spend believing I was failing at things that were actually symptoms?
But honestly? Mostly, I feel compassion for the version of me who kept going anyway. I feel validated and heard.
If You’ve Been Feeling Like You’re Barely Holding It Together...
This is your reminder that struggling silently does not mean you’re lazy.
You might not be “bad at life.” You might just have a brain that needs different support.
And if you’re a woman reading this wondering if maybe ADHD could explain some things for you too…You are definitely not alone!
P.S. Yes, this diagnosis also explains why I currently have 97 tabs open, three unfinished drinks around my house, and an Amazon “Save for Later” list that could qualify as historical documentation and often times be a mile long 🤪.
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